Jack Sparrow Goes MODERN
by Luthy Lovett
Summary: Jack Sparrow in the, er, modern world. Written by a friend, posted by me. XD


**_(Note from ME! XD : This was NOT, I repeat NOT written by me. One of my best friends, Amy, wrote it. SHE KICKS BUTT, YO! XD)_**

Jack Sparrow Goes MODERN!!!!

Starring: 

Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean 1&2) 

Bob Barker (The Price is Right) 

Paula Deen (Paula's Home Cookin) 

Rosie O'Donald (The View) 

Charlie Pace (LOST) 

Ellen Degeneris (the Ellen Degeneris Show) 

Elvis (...he made music) 

And Featuring: 

Elizabeth Swann (Pirates 1&2) 

Will Turner (Ditto) 

Girl Pointing at Plasma TV (The Price is Right) 

Jack Sparrow was faced with a quandary. So what if Elizabeth Swann was Will Turner's fiance? So what if there was at least a 20 year age difference? NOTHING stops true love (like me and Sakka). Even if in this case it was one sided.He went out and bought her a very large diamond ring, but being a pirate HE wanted to keep it. It was shiney. So he got out his little paper and glue and child safety scissors (those things are dangerous) and made her a fancy ring out of paper that said "J&E forever!!!!". 

He found Elizabeth, who was convieniently with Will. Instead of waiting for the opportune moment, he tried to cajole her into marrying HIM instead. 

"On my ship, we could have our own little merry-age." He said confidently. 

"It's pronounced marriage. And no..never...not gonna happen." 

Will found himself getting annoyed. Jack was disturbing all of life as he knew it. So he smacked Jack. 

"I didn't deserve that," Jack said calmly. 

Now Will was pretty strong, so as Jack walked away, he found he had a headache. So he stumbled onto the Black Pearl, and went to bed with Booboo his stuffed bear. 

Jack was sleeping quite well. But then he heard a funny sound. 

"...starring Bob Barker!!!!" A voice was exclaiming into a large microphone, which was getting annoying. 

"What is this maddness!!!," Jack screamed. He slowly opened his eyes to find himself at a booth. He was looking at this black boxish thing that a girl was pointing to. A man kept telling him he won this black box. Jack didn't understand what to do with a black box. The person kept assuring him it was a Plasma TV. He jumped up to ask this "Bob Barker" what was going on. 

"My strangely dressed friend, you have to guess the cost of the prize you are now about to win!" 

"...prize?" 

"Yes! A new Honda Civic!" 

Jack was overwhelmed and closed his eyes a minute. But when he opened them, he was not on The Price is Right. He was in a kitchen. 

"Jack honey, pass me 2 sticks of butter..." 

Jack looked up at this older woman. She had a very inane way of talking. Jack looked her up and down and came to a conclusion. 

"You TALK funny!!!" He said. The lady broke out into a shrieking laughter. 

"Honey of course I do! I'm Paula Deen!" Jack felt intimidated being in this kitchen with this scary Paula Deen woman...that everyone seemed to love. (LIKE ME!!!) 

"Well..this is...awkward..", he said. The next half hour went by. He found Paula to be sweet, but very gregarious. Her Southern accent got annoying as well. 

"So until next time America, I send y'all love and best dishes, from my country kitchen, to yours!" Paula said happily. 

Right after Paula said "yours" Jack was zapped onto the TV show "The View" where Rosie O'Donald was laughing histarically. 

"So Mr. Sparrow, I find you very fallacious. First you want to save Will, and then you want to kill him and then you die. Hello? Talk to me here about that." 

"How would you know...wait...I DIE!! I'm not dead...clearly I'm not dead."Jack began to panic. 

"Jeez..your movie? Your life is a movie!" 

"SINCE WHEN!!!" 

"Somebody is morose today," Rosie said with a pouty face. 

"...hey..whats a movie?" 

Rosie looked at Jack like he was stupid...which he is. 

"Have you ever been a recluse?" 

Jack was starting to get annoyed with all of these very strange people. 

"Argh! All I want to do is get back to me girl!!!!" Jack cried out in rage. 

"OHH!!!You have a girlfriend??"Rosie asked inquisitively. 

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!" Little did Jack know that in the middle of his outburst, he had been zapped to an uncharted islabd..where he found himself lost. A man in a black zip-up hoodie came over to him. 

"Hey...do you do drugs?"He asked. 

"Um...no," Jack replied. 

"Well...if you ever want any..." 

Jack looked puzzled, more puzzled than usual. So he valiantly declared "YOU SMELL FUNNY!!!" 

The man gazed at him strangly. "It appears you've already had some. Hey, I'm Charlie by the way." 

Jack smiled very happily. "Do you have any rum?" Jack asked. 

"...no. In case you haven't noticed, we are lost." 

"Lost? I hear you can take medication and go to places to help you FIND yourself. Now if you'll excuse me..." 

But Charlie would not stop ranting on. "Our flight #815 crashed here. How'd you get here?" 

Jack stopped to think about that. He looked blankly at Charlie. 

"I have no idea. But I want to go home mate." 

Charlie sighed. "Me too. But that most likely won't happen." 

Jack smiled sarcastically. "Well...good luck to you then." Jack walked his funny arm flailing walk away...right into the set of Ellen. Charlie attempted to do this, but ended up crashing into a tree. 

"Our special guest today is Jack Sparrow!" Ellen was exclaiming. 

Jack shugged "CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow." It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Jack got up and BEGAN TO DANCE!!! Jack didn't know why..maybe because _I Like Big Butts _was playing, or that the audience was cheering, or because Ellen was dancing too. So he danced his little pirate heart out..that is until he realized Ellen had stopped a half an hour ago and everyone was looking at him. 

"Jack this may seem random..but are you a pacifist?" 

"No..not at all never. Love fighting...yeah." 

"Do you fight a lot?" 

"Yes..its a hobby?" 

Jack smiled. Ellen laughed. "So you don't mind notoriety?" 

"Umm...no. It doesn't bother me. People got used to it." 

Ellen smiled. "Well, I would say that was judicious, but I would be lying." 

Jack yawned. Why wasn't he home? He stopped and laughed, just to make the audience happy. After his segment was over..of all people Elvis Presley called him backstage. 

"Do you want to buy a refrigerator?" Elvis asked. 

"NO!" 

"People think I'm dead, but I actually became an undercover salesman for Sears." 

"Thats great." 

"Guess what?" 

Jack rolled his eyes. "WHAT!!" 

"I'M ALL SHOOK UP!!" Elvis began to dance and shake his hips. 

Jack decided this man was high and kept moving. 

"Wait..dont' you want to hear Jailhouse Rock??" 

Jack ran away...and surprisingly he woke up. Then he ran of to find Elizabeth. 

THE END 


End file.
